A Strategic Plan Read online

  Beat.

  If you cannot manage your subordinates … you’re cooked.

  Beat.

  Leadership demands action in a crisis.

  Pause.

  Colin was the first to express concerns about your poor behaviour.

  ANDREW: He basically lives in fucken Thailand—

  SIMON: You are a shit boss. You’re history, / mate.

  ANDREW: [holding the earring box] ‘Give these to your wife’ … What does that mean, do you reckon?

  SIMON: She said no such / thing.

  ANDREW: I am recording this meeting.

  SIMON: Fuck off.

  ANDREW: All my staff have Working With Children Checks. How about you?

  SIMON: The board is non-operational.

  Beat.

  I have never seen that box before! Now, give it to me!

  LINDA enters.

  LINDA: Is Jill / okay?

  SIMON: She’s fine. Nothing to worry about. Get on with it. We have a process.

  Silence. LINDA sees the drawing. She sits.

  Pause.

  LINDA: On a scale of one to ten—one being dismal and ten being exceptional—can you self-rate your capacity to manage a team?

  Pause.

  ANDREW: Eight point five?

  LINDA makes a note.

  LINDA: Quite high for a self-assessment.

  ANDREW: Six.

  LINDA makes a note.

  LINDA: Okay. Thanks for coming in, Andrew.

  Silence. LINDA takes her phone and types out a text message, then …

  ANDREW: So what now?

  LINDA: You leave and we have a discussion about you behind your back.

  ANDREW: I’m sorry. I—hope we can … continue … See you at the festival.

  Pause.

  ANDREW begins to exit.

  SIMON: Andrew …? Forget something?

  Beat.

  ANDREW: Oh, yeah. Thanks for meeting. Quite the custard fuck.

  ANDREW pockets the earrings. Exits. Silence.

  LINDA: You left them here alone?

  Pause.

  Why did you leave the room?

  SIMON: You’re serious.

  LINDA: This is not my light-hearted face.

  SIMON: I stepped out—briefly—to pay my car registration.

  LINDA: You thought that was a good idea?

  SIMON: The line was so short—

  LINDA: Who drew this on my wall? Him or her?

  Beat.

  SIMON: It was him. He’s appalling. He hates me like herpes.

  LINDA: He thinks you’re a ‘cocksucker’.

  SIMON: One man’s opinion.

  LINDA: You don’t think it might have been the girl?

  SIMON: Jill …? That suggestion is shocking to me … I’m hurt.

  Pause.

  Right. Is there a conversation we need to have? Before I go to sub-committee?

  LINDA: What did he put his pocket?

  SIMON: No idea.

  LINDA: Simon. What did he put in his pocket?

  SIMON: Mints. He took my mints. Cunt.

  Pause.

  What happens next?

  LINDA: I write up recommendations for the board and we act.

  SIMON: Send the draft to me.

  Pause.

  I am asking you to keep me in the loop.

  LINDA: Are you still directing me to sack this guy—?

  SIMON: Yes.

  LINDA: It doesn’t stack up. He’s doing a good job.

  SIMON: Linda. Fiscally, he is a disaster. He is running a festival with no budget line, he is bullying his subordinates. Forcing programs on the membership and making financial commitments without checking for approval from the General Manager. He fucked up the AusCo. We miss out on the money. And that is why he was hired in the first place. He is a shower. And we have got him on toast. This is a clear case of reckless financial and emotional incompetence. Well done!

  LINDA: You were right: small to medium is a nightmare.

  SIMON: Yeah. But the young people make it all worthwhile.

  He exits. LINDA approaches the graffiti. She tries to remove it.

  Lights go to grey.

  SCENE TEN: SONG

  This scene switches fluidly between the studio and the court action.

  ANDREW sings. As the song goes on, we realise he is in the studio. At the end of the song, JILL appears. She has studio headphones around her neck.

  JILL: Neuman is so warm. So crisp.

  ANDREW: Do you love it?

  JILL: Thanks for the gear. It’s a loan—and I won’t forget it.

  ANDREW: I know. Just …

  JILL: What?

  ANDREW: How did you do it?

  Change to court action.

  PERKINS: The Act is appalling. It is almost impossible to prove psychological injury in the workplace. Justice is smoke in your hands. Today. It doesn’t matter who said what to whom and why or when you were excluded or when you were bullied and you were—

  LEANNE: There is no question. / We know that … Sorry. Yes.

  PERKINS: But we must close our eyes to history. Today is all about capacity. From what date were you unable to work to what date you are capable to go back to work.

  ANDREW: They injured me.

  PERKINS: That is your opinion.

  ANDREW: Have you read my medical reports?

  PERKINS: Yes.

  LEANNE: The reports are not strong.

  PERKINS: They have two psychiatrists.

  LEANNE: And we only have one psychologist and a GP.

  PERKINS: The court is not impressed with psychologists. And GPs?

  ANDREW: Not impressed?

  PERKINS: Psychiatrists? Now you’ve got something.

  ANDREW: Nobody ever said anything about that. Not even my doctor—

  PERKINS: He recommended the psychologist?

  ANDREW: Yes, she did. She knew a good one and she—she got me in.

  PERKINS: But a psychologist cannot prescribe medication. Psychiatrists can prescribe medication and commit you to a treatment facility. Have you been hospitalised? Any time spent in a mental facility? At all? Because that could / really be— Yes. I understand … Yes.

  ANDREW: They made me sick. I am sick. I fucking shake and I can’t make decisions. Jesus. I play back every conversation, every detail, every choice. I am living that year on repeat. I hate every bone in my body.

  PERKINS: Are you on medication right now?

  ANDREW: Fuck yeah. Zoloft.

  PERKINS: One hundred?

  ANDREW: Absolutely.

  PERKINS: Well. That’s something.

  ANDREW: Hey! I am so fucking sorry that I am not in a mental home—

  PERKINS: Two psychiatrists win. That’s all.

  ANDREW: They are quacks! They were paid by the insurer and I fundamentally disagree with their reports. With the second quack especially. Mr Finkle, what a nut job. He started recording my session with a fucking Sony dictaphone—didn’t ask my permission—I tell him to turn it off—he tells me I’m paranoid.

  PERKINS starts flipping through the folder.

  Finkle is a fucking liar.

  PERKINS: Be specific.

  ANDREW: He says. Okay. He says—I wasn’t Co-CEO.

  LEANNE: I saw that too. / What’s that about? Why would he say that?

  ANDREW: It’s not true! / That is in the Strategic Plan, that’s not just me.

  PERKINS: He got that from the Chairman. ‘Simon’ somebody—is that right?

  LEANNE: Simon said that on the record.

  PERKINS: Simon doesn’t like you at all, does he?

  ANDREW: I want to burn that / fucker down. He actually believes that Brandis is a gift from God.

  PERKINS: Let it go. Today is capacity. Nothing to do with retribution!

  ANDREW: Ambush meetings what about them?

  PERKINS: I know, I agree. Linda from HR …?

  LEANNE: Appalling. Central casting psychopath. And Simon?

  PERKINS: Idiot. Pur
e and simple.

  ANDREW: Dunce cap in the corner.

  PERKINS: Hear, hear.

  ANDREW: Just got elected to / State Parliament.

  PERKINS: Who would vote for that mountain goat?

  ANDREW: They sold their own building.

  PERKINS: Yes, I don’t understand why?

  ANDREW: Nine hundred thousand dollars.

  PERKINS: Is that all? / For a heritage building in the CBD? How do you fuck that up? Good God.

  ANDREW: I know. And. Now …? What the fuck are they doing? They run a Facebook page. Where did all the money go? He re-zoned the joint.

  PERKINS: Of course.

  ANDREW: It’s going to be serviced apartments. Makes me sick to my stomach every time I / go past.

  LEANNE: They constructed your dismissal, because you pissed off the wrong people.

  The tinnitus peaks.

  Beat.

  PERKINS: Did you really play with Powderfinger?

  ANDREW: Sat in for a tour.

  Beat.

  PERKINS: Guitar?

  ANDREW: Bass.

  PERKINS: Sing?

  ANDREW: When I had to.

  PERKINS: My brother sings because he wants to. He works with a few companies in Austria. Fluent—German. Wants to be a jazz singer. And the jazz singers want to sing opera. Can’t have it both ways. But he has a beautiful voice. Really. When I was a teenager, I would record him on cassette and play it back in the car on road trips—sounded like a … I loved it. Miss it?

  ANDREW: Like sunlight.

  PERKINS: Been on any benefits? Any other work I should know about?

  ANDREW: Some teaching. Trying to get back into production.

  PERKINS: So you’re demonstrating capacity to work.

  Beat.

  ANDREW: My marriage broke up. If that helps.

  LEANNE and PERKINS make notes.

  LEANNE: How long had you been married when she left?

  ANDREW: How do you know she left?

  Beat.

  About a year.

  LEANNE and PERKINS make notes.

  PERKINS: This is fifty-fifty. The court likes Finkle. He is respected. But I’ve seen weaker cases win and I’ve seen stronger cases lose. So. What are you instructing me to do? Are you instructing me to go and ask them if they would like to make an offer of settlement?

  Beat.

  ANDREW: / Yes.

  PERKINS: You want me to do / that?

  ANDREW: Yes—

  PERKINS: This is your instruction?

  ANDREW: Yes! This is my instruction, Mr Perkins! / Why not?! Why not?!

  PERKINS: Excellent! Excellent! And so we begin!

  PERKINS exits. ANDREW is alone with LEANNE. Silence.

  LEANNE: If you want a coffee—go and have a coffee. I have to—next—client—so I’m just—head down—spreadsheet up … got some work.

  ANDREW: How long is this going to take?

  LEANNE: Two hours, two days. / Who knows?

  ANDREW: Two days?

  LEANNE: There’s nothing you can do—except wait. The café at the train station is actually pretty good.

  ANDREW: He’s like a character in a play. Isn’t he?

  LEANNE: They all are. Larger than life. Have to be.

  ANDREW: The woman with the black eye.

  LEANNE: Yeah.

  ANDREW: Her barrister looks like a young Nick Cave.

  LEANNE: You think?

  ANDREW: The gown.

  LEANNE: He’s a serious young talent.

  ANDREW: Her case …

  LEANNE: … is completely / different to yours.

  ANDREW: Because you can see the evidence.

  LEANNE: You can’t compare.

  ANDREW: I’m not—I’m just saying.

  Pause.

  What’s going to happen to her?

  LEANNE: She has good representation. He’s a fighter.

  ANDREW: She’s just a kid.

  LEANNE: Yeah. I know. She’s a semi-regular. That’s right.

  ANDREW: I don’t have any money.

  LEANNE: I know your situation.

  ANDREW: I can’t afford to pay you if we lose.

  LEANNE: Andrew. It’s not going to be like that.

  ANDREW: Perkins said fifty-fifty.

  LEANNE: He has a strategy / and you have trust him. He runs these cases every week.

  ANDREW: I know. But after two years of fights and forms and interviews and anti-depressants and suicide. If I end up in debt after all of this / shit …

  LEANNE: Hold it. Hold it. Did you …?

  ANDREW: Did I what?

  LEANNE: You attempted suicide. That’s not in the paperwork.

  Pause.

  It is a significant piece of evidence.

  Beat.

  If we’re going to win, we need the details. How did you do it? Andrew?

  Pause.

  How were you planning to kill yourself?

  ANDREW: This—this—doesn’t matter.

  LEANNE: We are constructing a persuasive argument to prove that damage was done. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

  ANDREW: I’m not ashamed, / I’m just—

  LEANNE: Okay. What are you? Andrew?

  Pause.

  A lot of people think about it. Lot of people. You’d be surprised. But … were you just thinking about it or were you actually going to do it? That’s the difference. Did you have the idea, or did you really think about it? Did you have a strategy? Did you implement a / plan?

  ANDREW: Might just stop you there.

  LEANNE: Did your GP know about this?

  ANDREW: / And—okay.

  LEANNE: Did she implement a health management plan?

  ANDREW: Yep.

  LEANNE: Got you into the psychologist because of this?

  ANDREW: Yes.

  LEANNE: Okay.

  ANDREW: I thought about it.

  Beat.

  LEANNE: How often?

  ANDREW: Few times. But not since the counselling, not since the medication. / That has really—

  LEANNE: Did you purchase any equipment?

  ANDREW: Scch? Purchase ‘equipment’.

  Pause.

  Yes. I did. Yeah, you got me.

  LEANNE: Like what?

  ANDREW: I didn’t keep the receipts.

  LEANNE: What exactly did you buy?

  ANDREW: Roll of gaffer and a pipe.

  LEANNE: Gaffer?

  ANDREW: Tape.

  LEANNE starts typing notes into her laptop.

  It’s a black tape—fabric base—strong. Industry standard.

  LEANNE: What kind of pipe?

  ANDREW: Flexible tubing. Like a vacuum cleaner.

  LEANNE: So, ‘hose’, not ‘pipe’.

  ANDREW: I s’pose. Yeah. Got it at Bunnings. Available by the metre.

  LEANNE: How many metres did you purchase?

  ANDREW: I purchased five.

  He watches her type.

  You type fast … This is going into my notes.

  LEANNE: Your case is an organic document. This is critical information.

  ANDREW: I live in a small town. You know?

  LEANNE: Yes, I know. I live here too. Cretins and bogans and— What was it?

  ANDREW: I don’t remember. Look. I don’t know how much context I want to give them. I don’t know if I am comfortable with Simon and Linda knowing just—what was going on in my—garage. You know what? I might just go an’ get a coffee—

  LEANNE: You said you can’t drink coffee.

  ANDREW: I am drinking metaphorically.

  LEANNE: You’re not going anywhere.

  ANDREW: I need to clear my head—

  LEANNE: I’m not letting you out of my sight. Not now. We’re too close.

  Change to the studio.

  JILL is showing a microphone to ANDREW.

  JILL: You can see the difference, can’t you?

  ANDREW: Certainly hear it.

  JILL: All the little imperfections. I love it.

  ANDR
EW: Permanent loan.

  JILL: I can pay you in session time.

  ANDREW: Great.

  JILL: If you know it’s here, you have to come down to play too, right?

  ANDREW: Get me out of the house.

  JILL: We can cut a demo for you—

  ANDREW: Just … If you can use it. That’s great.

  JILL: A lot of songs in this.

  ANDREW: You bet.

  PERKINS: They’re offering medical to date.

  JILL: This is like a thousand dollars brand new—

  Change to the airlock.

  PERKINS: A thousand bucks.

  JILL: It’s a lot of money.

  ANDREW: One thousand dollars?

  PERKINS: That’s just a guess—for the / consultations.

  ANDREW: They already offered two and a half grand at the— / What’s it called?

  PERKINS: At the / conciliation?

  ANDREW: The meeting—yes, with Peter Dymond—

  PERKINS: Conciliation?

  ANDREW: That’s it.

  PERKINS: They offered you two and a half?

  ANDREW: / Yes. They offered me money. Back then.

  PERKINS: Medical plus … two and a half …? / You see, I did not know that.

  LEANNE: We didn’t know that, Andrew.

  She types on the laptop.

  ANDREW: Peter didn’t tell you?

  LEANNE: How was the offer presented?

  ANDREW: They called me—

  LEANNE: A phone call?

  PERKINS: Before the meeting? / They called you?

  ANDREW: Yes. Before we’d even had the hearing—they called me.

  PERKINS: Before the hearing?

  ANDREW: Yes.

  LEANNE: They offered you two and a half / thousand dollars? Before the hearing? Is that correct?

  ANDREW: No—they—well—yes! Why am I saying ‘No’? Yes! That’s what they did. They called me and—somebody called me and it was Peter—he called me and said they were offering one thousand and—

  PERKINS: That’s unusual.

  ANDREW: Is it?

  LEANNE: They phoned before you went to / conciliation. One thousand dollars.

  PERKINS: They started at one thousand flat?

  ANDREW: Yes.

  PERKINS: How did they get / to two and a half?

  ANDREW: Peter called me and said they were offering a thousand bucks and I told them to forget it and they called back and offered two thousand and then on the day—on the day of the hearing they went up to two and half thousand and Peter told me—I should reject it—because if they were escalating so quickly, then—he thought their case was falling apart. So—

  PERKINS: You rejected two and a half thousand dollars.

  ANDREW: That’s right.

  PERKINS: Shit.